More on the Lord of the Flies debacle: watching an execrable Americanised dvd of the novel, we come to the moment where Simon communes with the decapitated, fly-swarming pig's head, who tells him that the Beast is the evil within us all.

Small podgy bruiser in my class of remedial thirteen year olds pipes up, unable to control his empathy.

"You know what I'd do if I was him, if I was on that island?"

Beat.

"I'd take that head, an' I'd ebay it, mate."